give me gravity, give me clarity

i feel like for the first time, things are starting to make sense
(and who knows, maybe i am just a naive young man stumbling around with no clue what so ever...)
but one way or the other, for the first time in life, i think im figuring out who i am, and how things work around me. and how to not only survive but be successful.

my anxiety screams at me half the time but i feel like no matter what i do, or where i go, i am going to make the best decisions i can.. and that is all i can do.
i honestly don't think im a bad person, i mean, not anymore than anyone else is a bad person.
i make stupid decisions, but through out it all i try to show love to everyone that comes in to my life and at the same time.. make people laugh and be happy.
i fuck up alot, and people/things get left in the dust.. especially due to the fact that for the past three years i have pretty much been a completely mess.. in every possible way.
atleast now.. i feel like i have been searching/striving for something.. and i have found it.
so i can only go from here.
this past week has been the most outrageous of my life,
last saturday i came home from our show at my old highschool.. never having been in more pain in my entire life.
after visits to the emergency room (very poor service from cmmc byyy the way) support and love from my family and friends, a holiday, and lots of sleep i have figured out a few things that.. make sense to me:

• i am trying to be an adult, therefore a part of society and have to be held responsible for the decisions i make.

• hardwork and self control are quite possibly the only ways that you can succeed in life.

• honesty is so important. being honest to yourself and in turn being honest to every one else around you.

• being respectful to the people around you.

• keeping everything, especially the things you love in moderation.

it's all shit that makes common sense.. but have taken me the longest fucking time to realize.
im not sure.
these are just the things i think of daily to keep my mind/life steady.
but fuck, im just rambling.
and if anyone ever happens to read this, im sorry, im sure i sound like an idiot.

new years eve is on monday.
i will smoke my last cigarette right before 12:00am Jan 1st.
i hate that fact. but i have no other option.
it's time i test myself. thank God most of the other guys are doing it to.
hopefully we make it.
anyways.
sleep.
now more than ever.

goodnight
Godbless