the accident under water

the alchemy index shall be the soundtrack to my slumber
on this most rainy of early winter evenings.

i would say that 60% of my clothing is currently soaked
and i have lost atleast two cigarettes
due to this december downpour we have received

it's time to finish this glass,
strip off these soaked rags
and rest my wet bones for a few hours.

4773r cr0p

Reality

It disgust me that I ever wanted to be on the real world or anything of that same vein.
As much as I am not happy with a Lot of things in life. I am pleased as punch that
I have grown up alot in the past few years and am the person I am today.

im okay with playing the part.

or atleast A part.

its when reality settles
and eyes meet

that i really struggle with.

eagerly i can join the cast,
read my lines,
and come in on cue.

but after the play is done
costumes are donned off
and we shed all pretenses
it can be quite the gamble

so much internal conflict
too much.
i need to be myself.
to the people i care about.
to everyone.
i can be so much more than i am.
i should be.

watching the television is a distraction.
that is all it really is.
i learn nothing from it.. beyond useless drivel and to continue to keep my mind from thinking.

since i know this.. you would think i would find other things to do..
maybe better forms of distractions.. constructive.

but i dont.
atleast not recently.
sometimes im a ashamed of myself..
scratch that.
often i am ashamed of myself.

sometimes the sound of french accents make me want to jump off a bridge

i feel like an empty fucking shell
spent and wasted
shucked onto a forgotten shore
with tattered towels and broken bottles

remnants of lost love affairs
squandered and cast away
by prideful paramours
castoff cavaliers