the great american smokeout

i feel like at times, i understand everything around me so much, yet at the same time.. i don't understand a thing and as completely clueless as a child.

over the years i have prided myself on the fact that i was a good listener, i actually thoroughly enjoy listening to people talk, hearing their problems and then giving them my personal take on the situation.. but as of late i have started to realize alot of the time, though i may be listening.. i am too caught up with my own thoughts to really listen to them.
and i hate that fact and am in the process of trying to honestly listen more to people and not let my anxiety ridden head get the best of me.

sometimes i just hate everything that comes out of my mouth and the actions i make.
which is really hard at times, because most of the actions i make ( despite those severely affected by anxiety) are ones that i feel are the right actions to make.
i am who i am, and can only do what i feel is right/moral/what have you... in my eyes.
there is a clash of what i do and what .. i want to do i guess?
im not sure but i have a feeling that i probably should go to a doctor and or therapist sometime soon because a life where you hate every move you make isnt that much fun.

despite all those crazy thoughts running through my head.. things are getting much better.
i am taking steps to improve my life.
though i need to start taking bigger ones.

i feel like i am in a huge transformation process, like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly,
and maybe sometime in the future.. the new and improved me will burst out of my metaphorical chrysalis ready to flap my wings.
i just honestly wish i could wrap myself up for a few months and suddenly appear new and improved... but unfortunately that isn't the way things actually happen.
and i am in the midst of a whole lot of hardwork for the time being.
one thing i have realized is that i need structure in my life, rigidity if you will.
because i can't work any other way.
left to my own devices i will just mosey along looking for something interesting and new around every turn, and though that, atleast to me, is ideal.. in no way will that get me anywhere.
atleast not for the time being.
yup.

im going to go learn.

Godbless